Constructing the good: "wherever you go, there you are" Part II

“It'll be alright. If you construct the good.” That's what the man in the LRT station said at least. He swaggered down the escalator toward me wearing big headphones connected to nothing, mumbling to himself. I assumed he was just another harmless loony riding the train and willed him not to bother me. “Just keep walking”, I thought. “Please.” Lucky for me, he ignored my silent pleas. He stopped a few feet away from me, didn't look at me or speak to me, but mumbled within earshot: “It'll be alright. If you construct the good”, and walked away.

I've been in a funk recently. I've been bored with life, ready to leave Edmonton, biding my time until I can get out of here again. So I went for a walk tonight and told myself I wasn't allowed to come home until I was in a better mood. I wandered around my neighbourhood with a coffee listening to the snow crunch under my feet, and thought about how I always seem to be waiting for my life to begin. With every new life plan I come up with – be it building an earthship on Vancouver Island, squatting in London, or pursuing a masters degree at the University of Tokyo – I'm always telling myself that life will be better when I get there. What I realised tonight as the snowflakes danced around me was that all this time I spend positing my future life where I'll finally be happy could instead be spent living in a way that makes me happy now. At this point I found myself heading toward the LRT station and decided to take another aimless ride across the tracks; I seem to do some of my best thinking on planes, trains, and automobiles.

So it'll be alright if I construct the good. What's that supposed mean? Something told me that what was coming out of this man's mouth wasn't connected to anything meaningful going on upstairs, so I didn't spend much time wondering what he meant by it. Rather, I pondered what it could mean to me. I'm thinking it means something along the lines of: “wherever you go, there you are”. That life isn't about going somewhere to find yourself, but finding yourself wherever you happen to be. That everything can be alright wherever and whenever you choose it to be. And that the “good life” I've been searching for isn't something you can find, but something you have to construct for yourself.

This doesn't mean my thoughts on Edmonton have changed. I still want to leave. I'd still rather be anywhere but here, and I don't think anything will ever change that. What it does mean is that I can enjoy the time I have left here, and stop worrying about where I'll go next. I can devote my energy to constructing a life and living it rather than mopping about waiting to find the pot of gold at the end of my imaginary rainbow.

Near the end of my aimless train ride I shared a flirty moment with the cute boy who sat down across from me. When I got off at my stop he looked wistfully out the window at me as the train pulled away and I walked home with a goofy grin on my face, firmly planted in the good mood I'd promised myself at the beginning of my little adventure.